A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over