there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
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Bring back the McRib
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Sunday
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.