It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
You Might Also Like
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE