I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Spam popsicles.
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.