STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?