Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster