At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
A completely valid reaction tbh
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]