SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy