A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.