Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.