Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.