Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
You Might Also Like
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…