They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.