[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
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Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
can’t catch a break
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.