Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.