Legend 🤣🤣
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
🖤✌🏽
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up