7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
welcome back
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.