If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Mission: Impossible
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.