Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
This sounds bad:
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband