A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.