Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
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Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.