At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
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pizza
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”