If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The two types of wives
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over