Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider