“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My blood type is b hungry.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.