I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”