One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need