It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited