I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*