horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.