excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
This is always good for a laugh.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Spring of Deception
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳