why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
You Might Also Like
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”