I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”