My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Birds & Planes.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’