Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Sign of the day..
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in