David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.