Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I don’t get marriage
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.