I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
…żyje?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.