Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
These are my roll models.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.