12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
can you read it!!??
maan!
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
step 6: release the wall snake