“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can鈥檛 follow the plot
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I鈥檝e started dating myself exclusively but it鈥檚 not working out
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I鈥檓 like a potato because I鈥檓:
-not special, but I鈥檓 usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I鈥檓 salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
ME: Hold on, let鈥檚 stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it鈥檚 not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.