Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Feels like the fourth month in January
Cinematography is my passion
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.