friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me trying to walk in a dream
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.