Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east