Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.