changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I wish I were this cool 😂
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone