Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭