HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
john wicks are toilet candles
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Help Wanted
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.