During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket