bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
And bowling should be called pinball
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.